Take Five and Calm Down

"Take five and calm down. Jealousy is never a good way to deal with a problem."

         At the moment, I have an awful lot to share. Even if I don't, the look on my face says it all. So why hold it back? Let everyone know what's on my mind? Nah-uh. I'm not good at holding my tongue anyway, especially when I feel a good air-clearing session is the best solution. Just that, I really don't "intentionally" try to hurt anyone's feelings. Let us be generous with the kindness and skimp on the sarcasm. Right?

I'll Pull the Trigger For You

I have him now,
will I still have him tomorrow?
Having this psycho girl
playing around.
Round about an inch that I can really so reach.
I hate her for having those dramas.
Those what a mess you are miss, you are so betchy.
I hate you for letting him go and soon that I have him
you're wanting him back?
I hate you for having those issues that you yourself never had kept.
You never thought of how would I feel about you acting so betch.
I hate you for all the reasons you never would think.


For you, my dear.
Why not stop the drama yourself and keep that girl out of this wretch?
Why not do something like trip her or a confront that she may stop?
I am so mad right now, not because you two are still having a contact.
But, for the reason that you keep lying about it.
Is it too personal? Knowing about it, that one day you may be together
because your family told you so?
Do you think, that wouldn't cause me much?
You told me, you wont lie for another thing,
But for how many times that I just caught you?
My dear, I like you for cheering me up at all times,
for being so father-like whenever I don't do good,
for being so paranoid whenever I'm with my friends that you never wish to know.
But how can I be so sure about everything you just said,
when you, yourself just can't show enough?
Am I rushing you? Do you want this to take time,
and heal first?
Relax. You made me this.
You wouldn't like to know how I hate commitment issues like this.
And now I knew how it's like to pull the trigger

PS: Miss Nobody. Pity you for being so desperate and betchy. I'll screw you soon. See ya!

Now. I'm Serious

Question

             Why do so many people are wimps when it comes to their promises and commitments?

they say they'l wait, and they'd leave. they promise they'l come, and they went to the other village.

they promise they'l do something for you, and they don't. then, still they wonder why their life is a mess ,still.

i pity myself then, cause i am one of them. then i came up on this phrases.

"Believe in yourself" and "believe yourself"

           What made the two different. Form? Words? Arrangements? Tone?

Nah-uh. I can say this is a great realization i have made in my 18th year in earth. It says, only you may know what you can and cannot when you think you can't make it. Then don't. if you do, just make a less of this promises and commitments I've through so many situations in vain. And so i knew how is it like. You yourself knows who you are.

WHATEVER YOU SAY YOU'LL DO, DO IT!

Our words are the law of our self. And that is when you truly believe in yourself.

Buckle Up

                I thought of so many things while on our trip far from home. I came to think of my pasts. How did I survived and what challenges are coming. Who would be my next victims and the source of it. Who would give the reason and the caution. How am I to start another "something" and end it? Am I to make it a shorter term or a longer to make it odd than the others? Or, would this really be my game for life? 


              For so many years, just so happened that the people who left me are just aint good for me. Some made me believe that i fell on my own trap. Others became too shallow, that I felt like an immoral mortal for showing them what's supposedly not for them. This face faked a lot of them. And now, a lot of them, maybe, believes more on anybody except me. But I used to do those things to know who'd make the most of me. That's how I accepted it. But would I just let that happen all the time? As in just go with the flow and let them be, and say and expect and whatever? I know there's always a way for my own. I can manage.


             I control what's written and to be written in the book of my life. The question is HOW? I can't always do it however or whatever. It is something I must think about. I am turning 19, and I have to take things more seriously, who said i don't anyway? Well, I do, but again, I just can't get enough. One thing that really made me so of this is the man-of-nothing-but-pride-and-ego. I always consider myself as one of the boys. Especially being with groups of them and turned into one of them. 


                They are nice, very. My boys are nice. Right. They will always be nice when girls are nice too. But that is not a general info I have to state in here. Because I was just referring to my boy-friends. Being with them for years, really changed a lot of me. I became more sociable and have deeper thoughts. I used to think quick and wiser- not really because of them but because of the situations we've been. Till, we've separated our ways for college. I was much in peace, because I know that I can handle things then. But I was wrong. My boys are not-so-far from the so-called men-next-door. A lot of them are so much of what pisses me off and makes me go gaga. They were nice, but would be nicer if you are showing-nice-like, telling them positive about them. May i just use the term "take advantage"? Cause that exactly fits them. Yet, that attitude of these men-next-door, made me wander this far, that I have gone so far like I have reached the outside galaxies for doing so. 


          I have been to so many curves and roads with zig-zags and cliffs and plains and hi-ways and intersections and parking lots and stop over and stop lights because of them. But, one thing I had, that really guided me. The seat-belt. Wherever I go, I used to fasten it for safety. Sometimes, it's not held up, but mostly it's buckled up. Here and there, I came to these important things. Seat-belts really do hold you safely, unless unbuckled. Try it then.

Been there. Done that.

                  It’s been a year. Ima thinking of writing one last blog about us, or should i say him . How should i start then. I know this is stupid. But I always tell myself that i must get out of whatever im feeling towards him! This is nostalgic! I know.but i must write this, for this is what made me this. Back from my first semester in college, I thought. I’d be just fine as long as I’d carry on with my boyfriend. Even if i know that my mom doesn't like him, still, i insisted to be with him. Even if it’ll be a long distance relationship, still, i believed in myself that we can make it. 

                 

                  First day of classes, i knew a lot of strangers. They are nice and good, i thought. Proud of myself, i never thought of hunting any other boys. Too occupied by my boyfriend. Weeks passed, my girl friends asked me about the boys around us. Our classmates. I know they were just trying me. Well, to be nice. I just answer it with a smile. Then I have to tell my boyfriend about them. I tried to be used to it. But it made me so useless and stressed. I thought of deciding on my own. Do whatever i like. Hang out with my classmates and not just lock myself home while my boyfriend is out with his friends, (not even sure if he’s really with them, alone...) and so I did! I started hangin' out with my blockmates. I gave myself the right to text whoever i like, and talk to whoever i want to. It was fun. I found myself again. 

                Then that same week, i notice this guy noticing me. Glances. I knew i liked him from that. His expressive eyes. His funny look. His silence. I knew it. I like him. Before the semester ends, he asked for my number. I really didn’t know about him. Not even his real name. He texted me. I didn’t know it was him so what do you expect. I replied bitterly, and because I don’t know him even if he introduced himself , still. It didn’t bother me much. I wont ever know that it was the person i like until my friend told me about it. The hell. But that wasn’t much . It’s ok, it was just him. That time, i was so bothered about my boyfriend. I wanna end up our relationship. But still, I wasn’t that brave to do it. I don’t know why. Since the day the person I like texted me, I felt like being unfaithful for promising my boyfriend that i won't text any other guy besides him. But I thought, it wasn’t really a big deal, crush is just a crush, right?

               Sembreak is coming. Me and my crush or should i say “kuya”spent a lot of time texting each other. I knew about his life. All of his imperfections. All of his bad deeds. And his status, he is single. No girlfriend, that was he said. Then, there came sleepless nights. Sharing stuffs. Until the day that i have to go to our province for sembreak alone. I didn't know much about manila, good thing. Kuya was there, he accompanied me to the terminal with his friend. That was the very first move he did, that i thought. He really was just being nice. Funny thing that scared me, was when he texted me, checking if i was home, even dropped a call to check on me, while i was with my boyfriend. Whew! That was close. I just don’t want my ever suspicious boyfriend to think negative about it. It would be a long fight. Being with my boyfriend that moment made me think of what i just did. Wondering if i really did something unfaithful. But, kuya just dropped me at the terminal for my safety, right? I guess, my boyfriend should be thankful instead.

              I thought, what was left behind should be just where it is. But i was wrong,. Our conversations still continued. Kuya and I had a deal of having the same locker. My boyfriend didn’t know about it. We were happy when we were together. I left him that way. He never had any idea about me and kuya. He shouldn’t. Next term, kuya and I started to see each other. Talk in the corridors. Hang outs. Fun, that was. Then i felt, something like. ima happy that way, far from my boyfriend.

                A month after i left our province, i decided to break off whatever i left in there, and that is my relationship with my guy. We’re off. I was so guilty. He asked me why. I can’t answer him straight. It’s not exactly kuya, the guy ima getting to know, its not about having a third party. It never was. But how he treats me as a girl and how he possesses me as his property, not a girlfriend anymore. I thought, leaving him clueless and curiously would make him think more. I know it wasn’t good to see me going out with kuya. But i really didn’t think of anything about us. I thought, he really was just being nice to me. Until, he told me about a girl he liked. And that was me. Knowing myself for liking him too, i also confessed about it. I knew it. There’s something between us, starting to grow. Till i was dumbfound. I saw a girl from his account. His girlfriend. I asked him about it, but not that straight question i used to do. Calmly, he answered me with a yes. He is committed with a girl for one and a half year!!!!

                 Damn it. Tears fell. I got sick for a week. Also a week that i didn’t drop by to our locker. I assumed too much that he is nice. That he is not like any other guy i knew. But again, i was wrong. Then one day, he asked me of going to our friend’s birthday in their place, in cavite. It’s been two weeks. And i thought, i can make it. I can face him again and won’t even bother that he lied to me. I went out with them, it was an overnight. an all boy’s night out. Well, i was one of the boys. And i know, they respect me, i know im safe with them. im sure, coz birthday boy’s mom is watching us. Lol. They are all nice. We drank but not drunk. The session’s over. We have to rest. They are all sleepy. Same as to me. I laid down to our bed. No malice. I didn’t notice kuya was beside me. It didn’t bother. I was too sleepy for that. But honestly, i was really happy. Half asleep, i felt what he did. A sweet kiss i wont ever forget. Its a foul. I know. since that, everything changed. He spent more time with me. He visits me in our apartment. We even had our DQ moments , (Dairy Queen, located in trinoma) whenever we had free time. That was fun! 

             Being with the person you like is really a pleasure of a leisure time. From that DQ time, i was given the chance to meet his two childhood bestfriends, and also their friends. A hang out in trinoma, drank till drunken, except me. But from there, his friends asked about what we really are. Our status. His other friend even thought that WE ARE. that made a silent scream from my mind. its an OH-NO-PLEASE-DON’T-ASK. Kuya just gave his friends a blank face,. I saw that. He never answer a question like that. But his eyes answers it all. An even confused look, OR “don’t mind us look”. Whew. Then, back to businesses. 

            Before Christmas break, my friends planned of a house party at their house, it's like a Christmas party. That was dated the same day i was going to meet my high school friends and my best friend from Baguio. I asked kuya if he wanted to go. He accepted it. He had his friend with him (the same friend he was with, the day he dropped me by the terminal.) i was happy at a moment, that finally, my friends would know my special friend. That was late, it was 8pm, his friend went off for his girl and so he’s left with me and my friends and i also have to go to my friend’s house for the party. He insisted to go with me again, even just to make sure that I'm safe. And so, Ok. I accepted it. But i was surprised when he also came in to the FX. I asked him why, knowing that his way home is the other way, but he just looked at me. As usual. Then so, we’re there. So I, feeling ashamed for his being gentleman for accompanying me waiting for my friend to fetch me at school at that late night, then asked him to go with us instead, and join us. my friend didn’t like my idea but i insisted or else. (that’s actually another long story) Alright. Then the party started, i knew they’l be surprised for his being there. But he’s my guest and so they must bear with me. That night was awesome. Many things happened. A fight with a friend. a question and answer portion. And’A sweet moment. Bedtime. Again, he slept beside me. All of my friends saw it. They found it sweet, so sweet. But actually, it isn’t right. I , again. have sinned.

               It was past 1 in the afternoon, when we left my friend’s house. He was like, rushing and as if trying to catch up for something. Then we parted for home. The moment I came in to my room. He texted me if I was home. And so I said yes, and I grabbed it to ask him if he’s ok. He didn’t answer my question. Instead, he sent me his girl’s messages. I almost forget, right, he’s taken. I read the message. I almost cried. I felt so guilty. That day was supposedly the day they’l celebrate her birthday together. But he didn’t make it. And that’s because of me. I didn’t know. I was so sorry. From that, i asked him to go to her and ease her. She seemed so unwell. From her words that he stayed up late just to finish all her works before that day. Yet nothing happened and useless just because of me. Damn curse me my dear. I was so sorry.

               That made me decide to stop whatever we have. I cut off our communication. Good thing that was near holiday that i went home to our province for Christmas. But, still. He is bothering me. He gave me those sweet words. I know their relationship’s getting weak. But i must not be the reason. Till the Christmas eve, that they broke up. He asked me to accept him again. i almost fell into him, but many more things bothered me. I know it won’t work. So i pushed him back to his girl and told him that everything between them would be just fine. It would be just an overnight cry. Since that, i didn’t bother him anymore. I hid myself from him. I deleted his digits from m y phone, though i know i’d recognize his message... from then, back to school. I found a new me. I never expected of him anymore. Though we’re seeing each other everytime we put our things on our locker. It didn’t bother me that much. I know he is happy being single. And that made me ease, for he didn\t bother me too. In a way, i guess, i was wrong again. i knew it. They’re back together. And he confirmed me that. And that was it. I tried to be ok. I don’t wanna cry again for him. Until, our friend (the birthday boy) came to cheer me up. He never knew the things we had. (me and kuya). i never mention it to my friends. I hide it on my own. But he has an idea that there is something between us. yet, it didn’t bother him. That time, i was a sweet little girl who tries to ease my brotherly friends. I never thought that , that guy would take it seriously. I told him , i like him, then he confessed the same thing, not knowing that i was just kidding. Sorry, but i tend to be insane. I didn’t know what to say. But i just let it be. I thought, he might as well, help me forget kuya. Yes, we are more than that. But it seemed nothing. Kuya learned about it, when he knew it. It’s as if, he really was affected. He said he was. He told me how ill he was, when i told him that his friend was my new boyfriend. I don’t know what to think about him. But i didn’t care much about it. From that, he started to be cold and ask me about our friend, who was my boy that time.. questions like, do i really like him or i just used him to make him jealous. Knowing me, i have to deny it. But some part of it, that i wanted to make him jealous. And that’s what he thought. And so he told me to break him up or he will do it for me. He’ll tell our friend about it. That’s obviously a blackmail!! But it seemed affected me much like i never expected. That was difficult for me to do. Breaking up with a person isn’t that easy. Especially if he doesn’t deserve that pain. I know it was my mistake. Itsa game for me and a hell for him. But it made me think too, that he is too good for me. And soo i cut it off. We’re off. I am nobody’s girl. I made me used to it. I ignored their sweet words. I became numb. I guess. The next guy to please me would make a really long run. This is a bow to kuya. The guy who made me this. now, our friend and my ex is far from us. he was now taking his degree in’a different schoolin cebu. Kuya and his girlfriend are happy now. I guess. The photos says it all. BUT, still. He is bothering me. He makes me remember the pasts. Duh. That s a history for me now. And me? Ima enjoying my life now. I know im happy. I found new friends. I found a new someone. Maybe not as much as i liked kuya before. But i guess, it is much better than him. I hope.

take note:it's not a joke. LOL

December 1, 2007- December 1, 2008

Now Signing off. Done with you.

SHOOT ME ! BLOG YOU !

I came not to destroy any of you but to tell you a story about someone i knew. it is him you and her. he loves two girls that's what i heard. but he loves you more than the other... only when you are not around. he managed to be with HER and let you not think of any thing that would question him. do you remember the day supposedly for you and he didn't make it? he was with "her". he thought of being with her even if he knows you both have planned of something the next day. with all the efforts you made just to finnish your works for you not be bothered by this things for your day, he still didn't make it. a simple gift and sorry made you ease and you forgave him. yet, he didn't stop to see her. he still came in to her and they both had an understanding you never knew. weeks passed. "she" stopped him and said goodbye. everything came to an end without you knowing it ever happened. the holidays you almost end up was his plan and yet a simple sorry still gave you an ease. SHE tried to hide from him but still he's around. they'd be seeing each other soon without you knowing it. you are soo blinded by that love you are giving him. you have lots of reasons to be jealous but you just can't give evidences to push him.

I pity those who wait for nothing. i was there and i know everything. she does not know how much i know about them and you. try questioning things between the two of you. she is just around. he made it once. he could make all over again. i made this for what i did. i made this story not to cause fights but to make every girl realize that men are deceiving. they make lies. women dont deserve any fools. we live to love them. i just wonder why men are so misleading.

Right. I know. I just made it. Sorry, but I just can't help myself from typing. SHOOT ME BLOG!

MATA

Huwebes. Wala akong klase. Tapos na rin lahat ng Gawain. Nakakabagot. Nakakatamad. Ano bang dapat gawin, ng magkaroon ng kabuluhan ang aking araw? Maraming napasok sa aking isipan. Ngunit isa lang ang tanging natipuhan. Tumambay sa Jamaican at kumain ng paboritoi kong Jamaican dish. Sabay nito ang pagpakasasa ko sa malamig na malamig na mango smoothie nila habang ako ay nag-iiskets ng sinumang maharap sa aking kinauupuan. Tama! Yan nga ang aking bisyo tuwing ako’y nag-iisa at walang magawa.

Para sa akin, bilang isang estudyante ng “fine arts”, hangad kong lumawak ang aking ka-alaman at pagbutihin pa ang aking talento.

Hindi para makilala ng buong mundo kundi, para magkaroon ng sarili kong pangalan na aking maipagmamalaki sa aking sarili.

Akin talagang Gawain ang tumambay mag-isa tuwing walang Gawain. Ang sabi ng iba, nakakatakot yun. Walang kasama. Walang ka-kulitan. Walang karamay sa mga kalokohan. Pero hindi yun ang aking naisip. Sa tingin ko ay mga taong takot mapag-sabihan na “iba”(others) ang nagsasabi lang noon. Takot silang may masabi ang ibang tao sa kanila. Gusto nila maging naka-tataas. Magakaroon ng maraming kasama. Ang akala kasi nila, sisikat sila sa ganoong paraan. Maraming kasama, sikat. Pero mali. Masa maganda ata kung maraming “kaibigan” at hindi lang “kasama”.

Marami ngmga pangyayari sa aking buhay bago pa man ako na-lagi sa Jamaican. Bawat araw ay oridnaryo. Walang espesyal. Walang pagbabago. Ngunit ang araw na ito, iba. Kanina pa siya di mapakali. Ang mga mata’y may nais ipahiwatig. Parang may gusto. At di nga naglaon ay nilapitan ako. Steady lang. walang ramdam. Ano naman kung siya ay lumapit. Hinintay ko nalang ang sunod niyang gagawin. Nagsimulang bumukas ang kanyang bibig at aking narinig ang malalim at lalaking lalaking boses niya. Paano raw ba pumunta sa city circle? Sa kaloob-looban ko, gusto kong tumawa. Sinong mag-aakalang sa itsura niyang iyon ay hindi niya pa alam ang mga lugar sa maynila…

Akin pa ring sinagot ang kanyang katanungan kahit alam kong di talaga yun ang kanyang sadya. Doon, nagsimula ang nais ipahiwatig ng kanyang mga mata.

Nagpatuloy an gaming pagkikita kahit di ito sadya. Walang usapan na kami’y magkikita, ngunit sadya lang talagang pareho kami ng libangan at tambayan. Doon at doon parin, parehong oras. Parehong araw. Pero sino nga ba siya? Isang lalaking di ma-wari ang nasa isip. Aking kakanyahan ang bumasa ng nasa isip ng isang tao, pero bakit sa kanya ay walng ubra? Ano ba talagang nais iparating ng mga malalalim niyang mata? Ang kanyang manipis na balbas at makakapal na kilay, nagsasabi bang may mga bagay na kanyang ikinatatago tago at di masabi sa iba? Parang may kinikimkim na malagim na nakaraan. At ang kanyang itim na “jacket”. Nakapanlalamig ba ang lihim na kanyang itinatago? Ang pormang pang-kanto na di halata dahil sa putla ng kanyang mukha at salaming itinatago ang para bang di natutulog na mga mata. Sino nga ba siya? anong maibabahagi niya sa buhay ko?

Hindi nagtagal ay lumalim ang aming mga usapin. Sa ika-limang beses at araw n gaming pag-uusap, nalaman ko ang saklap at pait ng kanyang buhay. Hindi naging mabait sa kanya ang buhay. Mapait. Kasuklam suklam. Sinong matutuwa at magpapasalamat sa buhay na lahat ng taong pinahalagahan ay sila ring kukunin sa kanya? Iniwan siya ng kanyang magulang ng malamang siya ay nakapatay. Namatayan siya ng nobya. Nawala rin lahat ng mga akala niya ay mga tunay na kaibigan. Sa ngayon, mag-isa na lamang siya. nagta-trabaho. Palipat-lipat. Para bang naglalakabay na lamang at inaantay ang kanyang oras.

Doon rin lang kami nagpakilala ng pormal sa isa’t isa.naisip ko pa nga kung akin bang paniniwalaan ang mga sinabi niya. Pero ba’t hindi? Kung masama ang intension niya ay sana matagal na niyang ginawa.

Sa mag oras na iyon, napansin ko ang pamumutla ng kanyang mukha. Ayokong magtanong. Ayokong matrinig ang sagot. Ilang oras na lamang at mag-gagabi na. tumayo siya at daling hinila ako palabas. Kailangan na raw naming umuwi. Ihahatid na raw niya ako. Humndi ako. At din a rin siya nagpumilit. Pero, siniguro niyang makasakay muna ako bago siya tuluyang nawala sa aking paningin. Di man lang ako nakapag-pasalamat. Bigla nalang siyang nawala. Pero naiwan sa aking mga ang lamig ng kanya. Ang kanyang mga hawak. Malamig. Mahigpit. Ang kanyang mga titig, nakakapang-hina. Para bang lahat ng aking saya ay hingop na niya. Sa aking paglalakad palapit sa aming pintuan, biglang nasa isip ko ang mga salita niya bago bitawan ang aking mga kamay. Isang tinig na di ko pa narinig kailanman. Isang titig na siya at siya lang ang nagpakita sa akin. Pati mga simpleng salita na talagang nag’iwan sa akin ng pangamba…

“bata… ingat.. ka....”

MCDOnalds' super size me

"Super Size Me"

            The documentary got it all for us, especially the youth. It showed what would happen to a person who'd have super size meals from McDonalds, three times a day for 30 days. That was really a "wow". What Spurlock did was really devastating. Horrifying. For Asians like us, we still try to fit in with our daily diet, but for Americans, there's this thing that really can't resist themselves from these fast food chains, which, i really wonder about. is this really by their nature or the plain American culture?


             Can one just imagine himself, living his life with just burgers and fries, burgers and fries, burgers and fries, burgers and fries, and burgers and fries to the nth time. I may say, it is acceptable if one makes it for it's all he has to do. He's got no choice but to eat on a fast food to save time. But i don't think it would be excusable to say, it's already their way of living. It is not to save time ALWAYS and almost everyday that you have to drive-thru McDonalds to take out a burger with you for breakfast..... lunch.... dinner.. and'a snacks! that really is a BIG NO NO.


             Eating on fast food chains, may be an addiction that once you put yourself on it, you'll often go on to eat it in increasing quantities for the rest of your life. We all know that obesity is epidemic that parents should be alarmed about. That as much as possible, not to spoil their children with this hamburgers and fries. Sometimes, advertisements are really powerful about this but actually are so wrong. But what can we do about it, it is business.


            This documentary movie gave us this cautionary insight on how fast food chains come to dominate and serve us like deprived. This is already giving us a caution. And think twice about our diet. It's not bad to indulge yourself from these American foods, but it will be when you start your day with these meals, everyday. Make up with this, it's a suicide.

Better this way

There are things in this world that can never be ours.

Just because of the simple truths.

Yes, simple and this word is the reason why 

things are getting so unusual and complicated.

It's "why do this things have to exist anyway?

-it's simply, some things are bad for us.

-they already belong to someone else..

-we already lost the opportunity, to claim them as our own.

-they are just not meant to be ours.

so if you're caught up with wanting something you dearly cant have...

remember..

we may trade in all our cards for what we want..

but in the end,maybe you'll find it.

.... it's not something you really need.

darn right and this is always the problem with me.

i easily involve myself to things am actually not sure of.

i always go with the flow...

i know all the consequences... but, it's like the urge of

having something i really like, and not getting it... 

makes me sick!

i lose control with things like that. but lately,

a friend whom i've hurt once...

gave me a smile and said...

"...buti may control kna."

we've been to a conflict when i ...

i... i... hmmmmm. never mind.

(let's not bring the past back anymore.

 maybe wondering if why did she say that.

Actually. we were talking about the guy i was so in love...

(when i was in manila...)

great love story but tragic and hair-raising! 

surely you'll hate me for that.. oops! but more with the guy... 

and much with his girl for being so stupid and numb.

yet, what kind of girl am i for hating that innocent girl for 

loving that bastard. and the blame is on me.

for caring so much about him. and letting him

go beyond my boundaries.

yes. guilty about that. and so, i stopped it.

before i get used to it and destroy another relationship.

no matter what he say about how he loves me.

i chose to be deaf. and blind from his actions.

and. thank GOD! after a month.

the old me is back! but for the better now.

i can now control myself and make better decisions regarding boys.

My Heroine

          I hate to see you with her. The closeness you both share. I soo hate to see! The smiles. Kisses. Hugs! Damn it! I hate the day I met you. The first day I told myself that it’s you..”I like!” knowing, that was a no no for being into a relationship, a relationship maybe, it’s you who broke. Yes. You messed up with our relationship. And so I decided to end it up for us. Maybe for that thing happening between us. I am not so into you, and I know you’re of the same thing and that’s what I hate about us, and me for allowing you to enter my life.

          Remember the night we both shared our time. Just beeps that made us sleepless. Story telling. It’s a try-getting-to-know-each-other drama. That gave me the idea that you really are into me that moment. We didn’t stop the conversation till I realized that you really have to sleep even just for 2-3 hours for your class that day. And soo, a goodmornight kiss and hug I gave to you.. even just for a thought of beep.

         You told me you’re not into any girl’s heart. But a fool would only believe you for that. And so I doubt, and the evidence I found was so clear that I almost broke my fingers because of anger. You have a girlfriend! I almost cried but it’s a no no again.

        Then, I acted as if there’s nothing I saw and knew about you. It’s like telling myself that, I am into somebody’s heart too and so I have no right to you, and  for you... i must be nothing but a past time!

           Yet, you told me you want me. I know I also do. But it must not be. It was just a simple infatuation.. or ‘stupidity’ in general term. But, I still confessed my attraction  to you. And there, the tragic scenes followed. We've been given the chance to know more about us. Personally. Yes, personally. We sat together, no seat apart. I looked at you. Simple glances that i might know what you're thinking about me really. Yet, I failed. That day, never did i think that we'll be talking that much. That we'll be seating together, eat, fool around and sleep together with friends. Then I felt something.. something i didn't even think you'll do.

         Then the next day, i found myself wondering about how should I feel about that thing. I thought it’s something of nothing that I don't  have to worry about. But as we continue our thing, my guilt is growing. Weak , I am!

          As of this moment, it seems I’ma goddamn girl who fooled around with you and looking at myself now. I lost the game. I should be happy maybe for the fact that, for so many time, you spent more of it with me, than with your girl. BUT ! should I be happy now for the decision I’ve made. That I have to get over you and be not connected with whatever businesses we both had? Maybe it’s for me to stop thinking of you being with her whenever I look at your pictures together.  Maybe I just have to say thank you for those things. For I just can’t take you now, for being so foolish about your lies. I pity her for not knowing everything about his guy, whom she thought was so faithful with her. Well, then maybe that’s what some people call “trust". I actually don’t have much of that. Because if I do, I must have been in a relationship now. Maybe the guy I had before I met you. But it’s a “NO”… for... maybe the same reason why I have to end everything about “us” ... YES , there is no “us”.. but incidents says there was, there is…

         So long my friend, I told you. I was never drank the time I told you about it... and don’t think I have to be whenever I say something to you … frankly! Your favor? I told you I’ll “try”... but don’t expect… for the next time you’ll see me.. I may not see you… be another stranger who just passed by.

Let's Play: Fool-Him-Now-Love-Him-Later

• I Flattered one guy i like. Showed him the sweet me and gave him the care, supposedly, yours. Telling him, i like him was just my game. Yet, he still fell for that. I thought it would be just fine if i'd say...            "I'm just having some 'laugh-time' with you....". BUT, then... i wasn't able to say that till he said, he's serious about it. Now. What should i do? I have him, committed. I was slapped with that "serious" thing. and now we're more than friends and the joke-time.

• Another guy came. The first time i saw him, he's wearing a ring. Then the next, he wasn't wearing it and said:

B:"it slipped off my finger. i did't think it would be that quick."

then i said..

me: "you should look for it!"

B: "i tried! but really, it's too difficult for me to have it .. again.."

G: "hmmm. you can still have that. im sure.. =' ) "

B: "hope so.."

          (Things happened so quick after that. And things became so complicated for me. It's like, i wanna have both of them. But I have to have the one i'm playing with. Even if the other already lost his ring.)

       And so, he knew about first guy. It's like we're having another game. I am the referee and they are the players.

         This is my game and am losing. But am not really sad about it. It's just that karma played with me too! But for now, am into the two guys. Oops! it's not what you think.. i still have the 1st as the one.. just that, he really didn't have me.. i just got him for that.

        And for the other guy, i hate him for that ring! Why take it off when someone put one on mine. Why inform me about it when i'm not asking about it. What's his purpose of showing those sweetness and kindness with me. Well, maybe that was his own game.

The Unfinished Business

Confidential: Babala sa mababasa

           I am Single. No boyfriend. Nobody owns me. I am free, free from worries, lies, heartaches, headaches, name it! They're all in one package.

                  But as days pass, I felt tears, noise, grudge and regret. And why is that? Am i really off with it? I am really looking forward to be myself. Think of myself, and of nobody else. Just me. Break free! Wanting just for nothing but silence and peace of mind.

                  

                   They say karma is just around. And, yes! Right and i'ts coming right after me.

One night. There's silence. No Hi's and Hello's. Just the cold sighs. I felt nothing for him as I felt nothing from him. I was waiting for the pain to come. But it wasn't there. I thought I was strong enough to handle such situation, since he is not in front of me. I felt nothing but the cold wind. And so I have to live with it. Focus and  live my life. Alone. But this, I must say. Thank you for everything. And to all the boys that I loved, Thank you. 

Mulat

    Tuwng magtatagpo ang mga palad ko, habang nakatungo't tinitingala ka, mula sa tiis ng pagkakaluhod, tuwing pumipikit ako, lumiliwanag ang lahat, na ginagampanan ko'ng nararapat, at tiyak, may naghihintay na basbas at aleluya,dahil minsan, di nagatim na lumihis sa itinakda. Tuwing pumipikit ako, lumiliwanag ang lahat, kung bakit, di katulad ng ibang taksil MAPANUPIL, di mo sila hinayaang maghari sa di karapat-dapat kong katawang pinagod ng walang katapusang prusisyong AMA NAMIN at AMEN. Pag sarado ang mata, kay daming nakikita. Masusi silang pinapanuod, at napapapikit ako. Mahigpit, hanggang sa mapaluha sa galak,dahil di mo ako hinayaang naging katulad nila. Ako'y umaawit ng kagalakan. Tuwing pumipikit, nagkakaruon ng saysay. Ang lahat ng pasakit: ginawa sa ngalan mo, kaya't napapawi ang takot at pangamba. Dahil alam ko, ako lang ang nararapat sa iyong tabi.

-Anonymous .

Huling Araw

Pasensya na,

masyado lang naguguluhan.

Maraming iniisip.

Maraming ginagawa.

Kaya napasama mga pinag-gagawa ko.

Natahimik mundo ko.

Nag'iba kasi ihip ng hangin.

Nawala sa sarili at di na lam ang gagawin,

Kaya,

kumawala nalang,

sa sobrang galet at inis sa sarili..

Hindi makatulog ng mabuti,

ni hindi maganda ang mga nangyayari.

Maagang initulog..

Maaga ring iginising.

At sa pag-gising...

Naaalala nalang,

mga pagkakamaling gawa.

na sinabayan ng gulo sa isip..

Wala sigurong makaka'intindi ng mga sinasabi ko ngayon.

Wala rin naman akong dapat ipa'intindi. 

Dahil sa ngayon,

gusto ko lang talagang,

maglabas ng sama ng loob,

sa aking sarili..

na sana..

at sana..

wala nalang ganitong klaseng problema sa buhay.

Masyado kong napagkatuwaan at napagbigyan ang sarili ko..

Naisip kong darating talaga sa ganito..

Pero itinuloy ko parin,

Kasi naman sa buhay natin,

di natin alam kung kailan na ang ating huling araw.

Everything at risk

           So much to do with this life. So many conflicts. Time, space and everything nice! My own time for myself. My time for my boyfriends and for everything. Wish, i can do all these things, with my own thinking. Of nobody's consent. Just me! Alone. 


            I tried just 5% improvement and 95% disappointment. Then i thought of asking other's advice. I listened and reflected. But never came into my mind that i'll do what they'd say. Still, my decision counts... Hold on or Let go?

I have to go beyond normal. I have to do more and change my routine. It's a new world and i have to adjust. I may not have time for everything at the same time... but i have to make it balanced.


TAKE NOTE! : this life. your course. your relationship. your family. friends.

This is not a joke!

Fixing Relationship Problems

         I thought ,a perfect relationship is effortless. that if you are in love, you should not have to work to stay that way. The truth is that the perfect relationship takes 'effort'. The effort required is to understand the man you pledge to love. I have to understand that even though men are easy to deal with (when you understand what makes them tick), as individuals they are complicated. They are not just one thing. They are not just strong, or powerful, or supportive. They can also be tender, needy, and emotional. Allowing a man to be his full self with you is one way that you can improve your relationship.

If you are looking to change your relationship...

        You have to be willing to make some changes yourself. It is neither productive nor wise to expect to change him to improve your relationship. The only thing you can absolutely control is your own attitude, outlook, and behavior. If you really want him to change, it will be in response to changes you make with yourself.

-Based on an article

Pissed Off

        Reasons that pisses me off are people who act so dumb and think they are all that.

• I get angry when someone says, ‘I'm always here for you, no matter what you throw at me,’ and the next thing you know, they give up on you and don't want to know you!
• I really hate it when I have a boyfriend and someone tries to steal him away from me. my theory (which is a rather childish one) is, ‘I had him first! He's MINE!’ but it can lead to bad things. how I deal with it is to I doodle in my special mind and think of bad things about the girl who tried to steal my boyfriend.”
• Pretty much anything and everything makes me angry. when someone has attitude, I give one even worse back. I get really mad when people lie. I get mad when people tell me they’re gonna do something and then don’t.”

         I hate feeling anger. I go gaga whenever i'm out of the mood for everything. Never did i think of any that'll make me feel good...

A Not-So-Perfect-Relationship

           Things go wrong when two people never understand each other. It's all about pride that they can't swallow. the useless things that may be helpful for the two of them. they never realized the worth of forgiving and forgetting. It's like putting yourself into something you never did before. It's like asking that person to kill you instead.

Point is:
    Try to forget things that gave you problems. Things that ruined your relationship with someone else.

" ISIP ISIP "

            "Bigyan ko lang daw sya ng chance at papatunayan daw nyang kaya nyang magbago at magpakatino. Maghihintay daw sya, bka daw sakaling bumigay ako."

        Naniniwala ako sa minsan-nang-nagawa-kayang-kaya-pa-ulitin term. Eto nga't nagpaparamdam at nagsasabi ng kung ano ano. Pero wala pa rin eh. Sadya lang sigurong, lahat sila'y puro salita lang.

           Napaisip nlang ako. Ba't ba kasi kailangan pa nila ng taong dahilan para magbago? Ba't di nalang nila gawin para sa sarili nila. Siguro nga, iniisip nalang nilang -"Para saan pa kung magbago ako para sa sarili ko, kung wala rin namang makakapansin. Bakit pa? Sana nga di na lang ako pinanganak! Puro nlang kasi kamalasan ang buhay ko!"- ayan ang sabi nung isa. Pero di ba, may rason ang lahat ng bagay. Kaya siguro nagkakaganun buhay nya dahil kulang siya sa paniniwala. Sisihin ba naman ang Diyos? hay. Maling mali. Hindi ako banal na tao, pero may takot ako sa Kanya. Siguro nga lahat tayo, may sari-sariling paniniwala. Pero hindi ako perpektong tao. Sinusubukan ko, at wala naman sigurong masama sa pagbabago dba? 

         Ang dami ko nang nagawang kalokohan. Pero kailangang magpakatino. Tama na ang ilang sermon galing sa kanila. Nagkamali naman talaga ako eh. Basta ba, huwag sila aangal pagka ako naman ang tama. Ang dami na nga nanibago sa mga pananaw ko, hindi lang sila sanay. Akala kasi nila, di ko kayang lumaban at magdesisyon para sa sarili ko. Naman! Alam ko na rin kung ano ang tama sa mali. At alam ko na rin magbilang, alam ko na nga pangalan ko eh, at alam ko ring mag-isip. Pero salamat sa mga nakapansin sa akin. Kahit puro mga mali ang pinansin nila. Nakilala nila ako sa pawang katotohanan lamang.

"MISS" ng Aming Handog Family from The Ruby Anniversary 2007

         WOW! Great experience being a part of this big show. I never thought of joining this, it just so happened  that Kimi messaged me and told me about it. For fun and something to waste time, that it was all from nothing. I didn't expect any. I just have to try something new before leaving this campus. Fortunately, really fortunate. I was picked as one of the dancers for the Concert!

•  Miss Maria Contessah Gonzales-Gamboa

      Mistakenly known as terror, with all those shouts of 'SMILE!!' How can I forget these lines:

1. "cmon guys..what's wrong?"
2. "do you have any problem?"
3. "always look at the audience!"
4. "ok! everybody . cuddle up!"
5. "you always keep me waiting..."
6. SMILE! God Loves You!

     Augh! I miss her. She's like a mother to us, a cool mom. She's not any ordinary lady, I should say. I remember, just after practice prepping for home, we were at the music room, playing around and making noise with the piano, she entered and asked if we wanted to hear her play. And of course... we do! From there I heard a sad music. Filled with pain and loneliness. I have seen a mother longing for her child. How a wife stops seeing her husband. How a woman hides her tears when everything seems to be tiring. As if, I wanted to hug her and tell her that we'll always be by her side. But I didn't, and just let her play.


Why didn't she cry, and let her tears fall?
          ...to show us that for every pain, there is an ease. Showing us how we should be, when everything seems to be wrong and reminding us to be strong...


"MISS" is a difference. I am really thankful for knowing her. For all of those pieces of advice she gave. I know, someday. I'll have to use it for as she have said:

"It's not on what you want or like, it's on what is right "

This is my last story for High School. For how my world changed till I met her,  from being a loner to a more socialized girl. In 5 or 10 years time, I'll always look back to where I am from and why I was there.
Thank you "miss" for showing me, and us, of how and what we should be.