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physically or emotionally. a joker. maybe. a pacifier. at times. and... usually make the issues, people don't notice much.


  • Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas
  • Solitaire Mystery
  • Veronica Decides to Die
  • The Best Laid Plans


December 04, 2008

Been there. Done that.

                  It’s been a year. Ima thinking of writing one last blog about us, or should i say him . How should i start then. I know this is stupid. But I always tell myself that i must get out of whatever im feeling towards him! This is nostalgic! I know.but i must write this, for this is what made me this. Back from my first semester in college, I thought. I’d be just fine as long as I’d carry on with my boyfriend. Even if i know that my mom doesn't like him, still, i insisted to be with him. Even if it’ll be a long distance relationship, still, i believed in myself that we can make it. 
                  First day of classes, i knew a lot of strangers. They are nice and good, i thought. Proud of myself, i never thought of hunting any other boys. Too occupied by my boyfriend. Weeks passed, my girl friends asked me about the boys around us. Our classmates. I know they were just trying me. Well, to be nice. I just answer it with a smile. Then I have to tell my boyfriend about them. I tried to be used to it. But it made me so useless and stressed. I thought of deciding on my own. Do whatever i like. Hang out with my classmates and not just lock myself home while my boyfriend is out with his friends, (not even sure if he’s really with them, alone...) and so I did! I started hangin' out with my blockmates. I gave myself the right to text whoever i like, and talk to whoever i want to. It was fun. I found myself again. 

                Then that same week, i notice this guy noticing me. Glances. I knew i liked him from that. His expressive eyes. His funny look. His silence. I knew it. I like him. Before the semester ends, he asked for my number. I really didn’t know about him. Not even his real name. He texted me. I didn’t know it was him so what do you expect. I replied bitterly, and because I don’t know him even if he introduced himself , still. It didn’t bother me much. I wont ever know that it was the person i like until my friend told me about it. The hell. But that wasn’t much . It’s ok, it was just him. That time, i was so bothered about my boyfriend. I wanna end up our relationship. But still, I wasn’t that brave to do it. I don’t know why. Since the day the person I like texted me, I felt like being unfaithful for promising my boyfriend that i won't text any other guy besides him. But I thought, it wasn’t really a big deal, crush is just a crush, right?

               Sembreak is coming. Me and my crush or should i say “kuya”spent a lot of time texting each other. I knew about his life. All of his imperfections. All of his bad deeds. And his status, he is single. No girlfriend, that was he said. Then, there came sleepless nights. Sharing stuffs. Until the day that i have to go to our province for sembreak alone. I didn't know much about manila, good thing. Kuya was there, he accompanied me to the terminal with his friend. That was the very first move he did, that i thought. He really was just being nice. Funny thing that scared me, was when he texted me, checking if i was home, even dropped a call to check on me, while i was with my boyfriend. Whew! That was close. I just don’t want my ever suspicious boyfriend to think negative about it. It would be a long fight. Being with my boyfriend that moment made me think of what i just did. Wondering if i really did something unfaithful. But, kuya just dropped me at the terminal for my safety, right? I guess, my boyfriend should be thankful instead.

              I thought, what was left behind should be just where it is. But i was wrong,. Our conversations still continued. Kuya and I had a deal of having the same locker. My boyfriend didn’t know about it. We were happy when we were together. I left him that way. He never had any idea about me and kuya. He shouldn’t. Next term, kuya and I started to see each other. Talk in the corridors. Hang outs. Fun, that was. Then i felt, something like. ima happy that way, far from my boyfriend.

                A month after i left our province, i decided to break off whatever i left in there, and that is my relationship with my guy. We’re off. I was so guilty. He asked me why. I can’t answer him straight. It’s not exactly kuya, the guy ima getting to know, its not about having a third party. It never was. But how he treats me as a girl and how he possesses me as his property, not a girlfriend anymore. I thought, leaving him clueless and curiously would make him think more. I know it wasn’t good to see me going out with kuya. But i really didn’t think of anything about us. I thought, he really was just being nice to me. Until, he told me about a girl he liked. And that was me. Knowing myself for liking him too, i also confessed about it. I knew it. There’s something between us, starting to grow. Till i was dumbfound. I saw a girl from his account. His girlfriend. I asked him about it, but not that straight question i used to do. Calmly, he answered me with a yes. He is committed with a girl for one and a half year!!!!

                 Damn it. Tears fell. I got sick for a week. Also a week that i didn’t drop by to our locker. I assumed too much that he is nice. That he is not like any other guy i knew. But again, i was wrong. Then one day, he asked me of going to our friend’s birthday in their place, in cavite. It’s been two weeks. And i thought, i can make it. I can face him again and won’t even bother that he lied to me. I went out with them, it was an overnight. an all boy’s night out. Well, i was one of the boys. And i know, they respect me, i know im safe with them. im sure, coz birthday boy’s mom is watching us. Lol. They are all nice. We drank but not drunk. The session’s over. We have to rest. They are all sleepy. Same as to me. I laid down to our bed. No malice. I didn’t notice kuya was beside me. It didn’t bother. I was too sleepy for that. But honestly, i was really happy. Half asleep, i felt what he did. A sweet kiss i wont ever forget. Its a foul. I know. since that, everything changed. He spent more time with me. He visits me in our apartment. We even had our DQ moments , (Dairy Queen, located in trinoma) whenever we had free time. That was fun! 

             Being with the person you like is really a pleasure of a leisure time. From that DQ time, i was given the chance to meet his two childhood bestfriends, and also their friends. A hang out in trinoma, drank till drunken, except me. But from there, his friends asked about what we really are. Our status. His other friend even thought that WE ARE. that made a silent scream from my mind. its an OH-NO-PLEASE-DON’T-ASK. Kuya just gave his friends a blank face,. I saw that. He never answer a question like that. But his eyes answers it all. An even confused look, OR “don’t mind us look”. Whew. Then, back to businesses. 

            Before Christmas break, my friends planned of a house party at their house, it's like a Christmas party. That was dated the same day i was going to meet my high school friends and my best friend from Baguio. I asked kuya if he wanted to go. He accepted it. He had his friend with him (the same friend he was with, the day he dropped me by the terminal.) i was happy at a moment, that finally, my friends would know my special friend. That was late, it was 8pm, his friend went off for his girl and so he’s left with me and my friends and i also have to go to my friend’s house for the party. He insisted to go with me again, even just to make sure that I'm safe. And so, Ok. I accepted it. But i was surprised when he also came in to the FX. I asked him why, knowing that his way home is the other way, but he just looked at me. As usual. Then so, we’re there. So I, feeling ashamed for his being gentleman for accompanying me waiting for my friend to fetch me at school at that late night, then asked him to go with us instead, and join us. my friend didn’t like my idea but i insisted or else. (that’s actually another long story) Alright. Then the party started, i knew they’l be surprised for his being there. But he’s my guest and so they must bear with me. That night was awesome. Many things happened. A fight with a friend. a question and answer portion. And’A sweet moment. Bedtime. Again, he slept beside me. All of my friends saw it. They found it sweet, so sweet. But actually, it isn’t right. I , again. have sinned.

               It was past 1 in the afternoon, when we left my friend’s house. He was like, rushing and as if trying to catch up for something. Then we parted for home. The moment I came in to my room. He texted me if I was home. And so I said yes, and I grabbed it to ask him if he’s ok. He didn’t answer my question. Instead, he sent me his girl’s messages. I almost forget, right, he’s taken. I read the message. I almost cried. I felt so guilty. That day was supposedly the day they’l celebrate her birthday together. But he didn’t make it. And that’s because of me. I didn’t know. I was so sorry. From that, i asked him to go to her and ease her. She seemed so unwell. From her words that he stayed up late just to finish all her works before that day. Yet nothing happened and useless just because of me. Damn curse me my dear. I was so sorry.

               That made me decide to stop whatever we have. I cut off our communication. Good thing that was near holiday that i went home to our province for Christmas. But, still. He is bothering me. He gave me those sweet words. I know their relationship’s getting weak. But i must not be the reason. Till the Christmas eve, that they broke up. He asked me to accept him again. i almost fell into him, but many more things bothered me. I know it won’t work. So i pushed him back to his girl and told him that everything between them would be just fine. It would be just an overnight cry. Since that, i didn’t bother him anymore. I hid myself from him. I deleted his digits from m y phone, though i know i’d recognize his message... from then, back to school. I found a new me. I never expected of him anymore. Though we’re seeing each other everytime we put our things on our locker. It didn’t bother me that much. I know he is happy being single. And that made me ease, for he didn\t bother me too. In a way, i guess, i was wrong again. i knew it. They’re back together. And he confirmed me that. And that was it. I tried to be ok. I don’t wanna cry again for him. Until, our friend (the birthday boy) came to cheer me up. He never knew the things we had. (me and kuya). i never mention it to my friends. I hide it on my own. But he has an idea that there is something between us. yet, it didn’t bother him. That time, i was a sweet little girl who tries to ease my brotherly friends. I never thought that , that guy would take it seriously. I told him , i like him, then he confessed the same thing, not knowing that i was just kidding. Sorry, but i tend to be insane. I didn’t know what to say. But i just let it be. I thought, he might as well, help me forget kuya. Yes, we are more than that. But it seemed nothing. Kuya learned about it, when he knew it. It’s as if, he really was affected. He said he was. He told me how ill he was, when i told him that his friend was my new boyfriend. I don’t know what to think about him. But i didn’t care much about it. From that, he started to be cold and ask me about our friend, who was my boy that time.. questions like, do i really like him or i just used him to make him jealous. Knowing me, i have to deny it. But some part of it, that i wanted to make him jealous. And that’s what he thought. And so he told me to break him up or he will do it for me. He’ll tell our friend about it. That’s obviously a blackmail!! But it seemed affected me much like i never expected. That was difficult for me to do. Breaking up with a person isn’t that easy. Especially if he doesn’t deserve that pain. I know it was my mistake. Itsa game for me and a hell for him. But it made me think too, that he is too good for me. And soo i cut it off. We’re off. I am nobody’s girl. I made me used to it. I ignored their sweet words. I became numb. I guess. The next guy to please me would make a really long run. This is a bow to kuya. The guy who made me this. now, our friend and my ex is far from us. he was now taking his degree in’a different schoolin cebu. Kuya and his girlfriend are happy now. I guess. The photos says it all. BUT, still. He is bothering me. He makes me remember the pasts. Duh. That s a history for me now. And me? Ima enjoying my life now. I know im happy. I found new friends. I found a new someone. Maybe not as much as i liked kuya before. But i guess, it is much better than him. I hope.

take note:it's not a joke. LOL
December 1, 2007- December 1, 2008
Now Signing off. Done with you.