The Unfinished Business

Confidential: Babala sa mababasa

           I am Single. No boyfriend. Nobody owns me. I am free, free from worries, lies, heartaches, headaches, name it! They're all in one package.

                  But as days pass, I felt tears, noise, grudge and regret. And why is that? Am i really off with it? I am really looking forward to be myself. Think of myself, and of nobody else. Just me. Break free! Wanting just for nothing but silence and peace of mind.

                  

                   They say karma is just around. And, yes! Right and i'ts coming right after me.

One night. There's silence. No Hi's and Hello's. Just the cold sighs. I felt nothing for him as I felt nothing from him. I was waiting for the pain to come. But it wasn't there. I thought I was strong enough to handle such situation, since he is not in front of me. I felt nothing but the cold wind. And so I have to live with it. Focus and  live my life. Alone. But this, I must say. Thank you for everything. And to all the boys that I loved, Thank you. 

Mulat

    Tuwng magtatagpo ang mga palad ko, habang nakatungo't tinitingala ka, mula sa tiis ng pagkakaluhod, tuwing pumipikit ako, lumiliwanag ang lahat, na ginagampanan ko'ng nararapat, at tiyak, may naghihintay na basbas at aleluya,dahil minsan, di nagatim na lumihis sa itinakda. Tuwing pumipikit ako, lumiliwanag ang lahat, kung bakit, di katulad ng ibang taksil MAPANUPIL, di mo sila hinayaang maghari sa di karapat-dapat kong katawang pinagod ng walang katapusang prusisyong AMA NAMIN at AMEN. Pag sarado ang mata, kay daming nakikita. Masusi silang pinapanuod, at napapapikit ako. Mahigpit, hanggang sa mapaluha sa galak,dahil di mo ako hinayaang naging katulad nila. Ako'y umaawit ng kagalakan. Tuwing pumipikit, nagkakaruon ng saysay. Ang lahat ng pasakit: ginawa sa ngalan mo, kaya't napapawi ang takot at pangamba. Dahil alam ko, ako lang ang nararapat sa iyong tabi.

-Anonymous .

Genesis II (Full)

I shall

not promise you forever because forever is too short a time for our love

.

so

i shall but promise to love you each day and every year to

come.

i

shall not expect of you to be always gentle and loving.

i shall not demand that you

love me all the time.

there shall always be forks on the

road of life and i shall not expect you to choose my road.

if you should find

yourself in love with someone you think id far worthy than me, i shall be

forgiving of you and me grateful that once once.. you loved me.

but please dont allow thoughts to

linger such things for i shall strive

with all the

power within me to be as loving and understanding and kind as you expect me to

be.

please dont expect too much

from me,

i may not give you roses everyday,

but every rose i give goes all the love i could offer.

let your thoughts dwell upon

the happy times we spent together,

and let these thoughts dwell upon

separation not for one minute,

for such poison works

quickly with the mind.

i shall not be mad if

you forget our anniversaries ,

for people are but liable to

forget but please forgive me if within me,

i am hurt a little,

just a little,

for i am liable to pain too,

that you must never

forget.

i shall not be too easy on

you as you are not too easy on me,

but on the other hand, i will not

be too hard. i shall then be fair as is proper.

i shall not give too

much of myself.

for too much is too little,

and too little seldom satisfies.

you should therefore not give me

too much of yourself , too.

i shall be mostly thinking

about you,

and when we kiss, it shall be ours

and ours alone.

you must permit me to fight you

sometimes,

if only to let off

steam..

then our making up shall not

be too hard ,

and we shall love each other all

the more..

i shall not hinder you

from expressing opinoins of me,

but i shall not

allow you to say them anytime or in any way you please.

i, too,

shall render you with sins

such opinions but seeing all the time,

i do not cause

hurt.

May Tama si Madam P.E.

Physical Education, at may natutunan akong emosyonal.


           Sabe ng prof " kung mahal ka talaga ng boyfriend mo, dapat, i'respeto ka nya. Kung pinilit ka sa ayaw mo, SUNTUKIN MO! at i'reto sa pader! " 


           Kasi naman sa panahon ngayon, dapat pantay'pantay na. Wala dapat papa'lamang. Di na nga uso ang martir eh. Pero may mga matitigas ang ulo. Sobrang masunurin. Gagawin daw lahat ng gusto ng kasintahan. OO! Uso yun! DATI. Pero ngayon, mahirap na ngang magtiwala. Ang ibigay LAHAT, para lang mapatunayan na mahal mo siya, dahil yun daw ang patunay. %&$#@!

Ano nga ba ang dapat?

         Sa tingin ko naman, dapat talaga pinag-iisipan yan. Minsan ng nagkamali. Uulit pa ba? Kaya, ayun, napa-isip ako. At balita ko, masamang senyales daw yun. Yung, napapa-isip ka nalang. :)

Huling Araw

Pasensya na,

masyado lang naguguluhan.

Maraming iniisip.

Maraming ginagawa.

Kaya napasama mga pinag-gagawa ko.

Natahimik mundo ko.

Nag'iba kasi ihip ng hangin.

Nawala sa sarili at di na lam ang gagawin,

Kaya,

kumawala nalang,

sa sobrang galet at inis sa sarili..

Hindi makatulog ng mabuti,

ni hindi maganda ang mga nangyayari.

Maagang initulog..

Maaga ring iginising.

At sa pag-gising...

Naaalala nalang,

mga pagkakamaling gawa.

na sinabayan ng gulo sa isip..

Wala sigurong makaka'intindi ng mga sinasabi ko ngayon.

Wala rin naman akong dapat ipa'intindi. 

Dahil sa ngayon,

gusto ko lang talagang,

maglabas ng sama ng loob,

sa aking sarili..

na sana..

at sana..

wala nalang ganitong klaseng problema sa buhay.

Masyado kong napagkatuwaan at napagbigyan ang sarili ko..

Naisip kong darating talaga sa ganito..

Pero itinuloy ko parin,

Kasi naman sa buhay natin,

di natin alam kung kailan na ang ating huling araw.

Everything at risk

           So much to do with this life. So many conflicts. Time, space and everything nice! My own time for myself. My time for my boyfriends and for everything. Wish, i can do all these things, with my own thinking. Of nobody's consent. Just me! Alone. 


            I tried just 5% improvement and 95% disappointment. Then i thought of asking other's advice. I listened and reflected. But never came into my mind that i'll do what they'd say. Still, my decision counts... Hold on or Let go?

I have to go beyond normal. I have to do more and change my routine. It's a new world and i have to adjust. I may not have time for everything at the same time... but i have to make it balanced.


TAKE NOTE! : this life. your course. your relationship. your family. friends.

This is not a joke!

Fixing Relationship Problems

         I thought ,a perfect relationship is effortless. that if you are in love, you should not have to work to stay that way. The truth is that the perfect relationship takes 'effort'. The effort required is to understand the man you pledge to love. I have to understand that even though men are easy to deal with (when you understand what makes them tick), as individuals they are complicated. They are not just one thing. They are not just strong, or powerful, or supportive. They can also be tender, needy, and emotional. Allowing a man to be his full self with you is one way that you can improve your relationship.

If you are looking to change your relationship...

        You have to be willing to make some changes yourself. It is neither productive nor wise to expect to change him to improve your relationship. The only thing you can absolutely control is your own attitude, outlook, and behavior. If you really want him to change, it will be in response to changes you make with yourself.

-Based on an article

"If you love me, you would..."

"If you love me, you would....."

          Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true.

- From an article

Pissed Off

        Reasons that pisses me off are people who act so dumb and think they are all that.

• I get angry when someone says, ‘I'm always here for you, no matter what you throw at me,’ and the next thing you know, they give up on you and don't want to know you!
• I really hate it when I have a boyfriend and someone tries to steal him away from me. my theory (which is a rather childish one) is, ‘I had him first! He's MINE!’ but it can lead to bad things. how I deal with it is to I doodle in my special mind and think of bad things about the girl who tried to steal my boyfriend.”
• Pretty much anything and everything makes me angry. when someone has attitude, I give one even worse back. I get really mad when people lie. I get mad when people tell me they’re gonna do something and then don’t.”

         I hate feeling anger. I go gaga whenever i'm out of the mood for everything. Never did i think of any that'll make me feel good...

A Not-So-Perfect-Relationship

           Things go wrong when two people never understand each other. It's all about pride that they can't swallow. the useless things that may be helpful for the two of them. they never realized the worth of forgiving and forgetting. It's like putting yourself into something you never did before. It's like asking that person to kill you instead.

Point is:
    Try to forget things that gave you problems. Things that ruined your relationship with someone else.

Reasons

         I must forget the times of trouble but not the truths they taught, the days of sorrow but not the strength, the bitter moments when heaven seemed unkind. The courage, kindness, faith and wisdom.


       Again. Again. Everything happens for a reason. You just have to accept, that it just have to happen. And you are not to blame anybody. It's His will. Well, you can't blame Him . We just have to accept it. Face, whatever it is. Whoever's on blame. Still. It's a part of life. Sarcastic. Right, because, sometimes, things just happen for no reason, and whenever we lose hope, we blame Him. And I say, it's a big NO NO... Man? you're not alone! don't think that you're given the worst problem in life! Just that. You have to solve it on your own, guess that is why we learned the lesson "problem solving" , right? Well, then if you can't? why not ask for help. He shouldn't have created other men if not for any use. Come to think of this. It's so useless to question the things happening in our life. We all know that nothing will happen without anyone’s action.

Hopeless Romantic

           I cant describe this feeling! Only a few days, i thought it was all OVER. With all those tears and curses, i let all negative thoughts flow from my subconsciousness to the world of consciousness. I was out there, showing the world the remarks of a hopeless individual. In broad daylight, i allowed everybody to see the best example of pain and vulnerability of love. I was ready to give up, live my life alone, to be free from cares. But i was wrong, too wrong for a wrong.

           I was afraid to admit it. But it's love. Too late have i realized that love is so broad that you really have to search for its true meaning. Such a hopeless romantic. So show me then, love not with words, but of different countless ways. 

" ISIP ISIP "

            "Bigyan ko lang daw sya ng chance at papatunayan daw nyang kaya nyang magbago at magpakatino. Maghihintay daw sya, bka daw sakaling bumigay ako."

        Naniniwala ako sa minsan-nang-nagawa-kayang-kaya-pa-ulitin term. Eto nga't nagpaparamdam at nagsasabi ng kung ano ano. Pero wala pa rin eh. Sadya lang sigurong, lahat sila'y puro salita lang.

           Napaisip nlang ako. Ba't ba kasi kailangan pa nila ng taong dahilan para magbago? Ba't di nalang nila gawin para sa sarili nila. Siguro nga, iniisip nalang nilang -"Para saan pa kung magbago ako para sa sarili ko, kung wala rin namang makakapansin. Bakit pa? Sana nga di na lang ako pinanganak! Puro nlang kasi kamalasan ang buhay ko!"- ayan ang sabi nung isa. Pero di ba, may rason ang lahat ng bagay. Kaya siguro nagkakaganun buhay nya dahil kulang siya sa paniniwala. Sisihin ba naman ang Diyos? hay. Maling mali. Hindi ako banal na tao, pero may takot ako sa Kanya. Siguro nga lahat tayo, may sari-sariling paniniwala. Pero hindi ako perpektong tao. Sinusubukan ko, at wala naman sigurong masama sa pagbabago dba? 

         Ang dami ko nang nagawang kalokohan. Pero kailangang magpakatino. Tama na ang ilang sermon galing sa kanila. Nagkamali naman talaga ako eh. Basta ba, huwag sila aangal pagka ako naman ang tama. Ang dami na nga nanibago sa mga pananaw ko, hindi lang sila sanay. Akala kasi nila, di ko kayang lumaban at magdesisyon para sa sarili ko. Naman! Alam ko na rin kung ano ang tama sa mali. At alam ko na rin magbilang, alam ko na nga pangalan ko eh, at alam ko ring mag-isip. Pero salamat sa mga nakapansin sa akin. Kahit puro mga mali ang pinansin nila. Nakilala nila ako sa pawang katotohanan lamang.

"MISS" ng Aming Handog Family from The Ruby Anniversary 2007

         WOW! Great experience being a part of this big show. I never thought of joining this, it just so happened  that Kimi messaged me and told me about it. For fun and something to waste time, that it was all from nothing. I didn't expect any. I just have to try something new before leaving this campus. Fortunately, really fortunate. I was picked as one of the dancers for the Concert!

•  Miss Maria Contessah Gonzales-Gamboa

      Mistakenly known as terror, with all those shouts of 'SMILE!!' How can I forget these lines:

1. "cmon guys..what's wrong?"
2. "do you have any problem?"
3. "always look at the audience!"
4. "ok! everybody . cuddle up!"
5. "you always keep me waiting..."
6. SMILE! God Loves You!

     Augh! I miss her. She's like a mother to us, a cool mom. She's not any ordinary lady, I should say. I remember, just after practice prepping for home, we were at the music room, playing around and making noise with the piano, she entered and asked if we wanted to hear her play. And of course... we do! From there I heard a sad music. Filled with pain and loneliness. I have seen a mother longing for her child. How a wife stops seeing her husband. How a woman hides her tears when everything seems to be tiring. As if, I wanted to hug her and tell her that we'll always be by her side. But I didn't, and just let her play.


Why didn't she cry, and let her tears fall?
          ...to show us that for every pain, there is an ease. Showing us how we should be, when everything seems to be wrong and reminding us to be strong...


"MISS" is a difference. I am really thankful for knowing her. For all of those pieces of advice she gave. I know, someday. I'll have to use it for as she have said:

"It's not on what you want or like, it's on what is right "

This is my last story for High School. For how my world changed till I met her,  from being a loner to a more socialized girl. In 5 or 10 years time, I'll always look back to where I am from and why I was there.
Thank you "miss" for showing me, and us, of how and what we should be.

Sarcasm

Too much. It's not so me.

         

      I have to admit that I've changed. My ways, ideas, trends, views and everything. Why so mean? Especially with boys? Maybe i still have that hatred. And I find their ways so sarcastic, so useless. But am not to tell how and why. Am starting to hate them. Stop me! I don't want to hurt you, guy friends. Maybe. They really have to deal with me now, and to how i think about them. But am not referring to all of them. Just to those who are numb dumb! Freak. Oops! Peace man! My fingers just typed it.

Don’t you dare.

     

          I always do what I want. Sometimes not thinking of what others may think. I continue what am doing as long as am happy with it. As long as am not hurting any. But of course, when things seem to be so complicated, they’re pulling  me. Patience ! Oh patience! Stop me.

"Don’t you dare me do what I never want to do."

         Others may say I'm mean. So ‘ma-arte’, ’pa-pansin’, ‘flirt’, or maybe ‘mafeeling’? But I shall thank them for that. They just gave me a name and it's much appreciated. And it is what they think and I don't own them, so am better of my own. I don’t live to please them.

Not All Men are Men

        I never planned this. I didn't want him to like me. I never asked for it. We really just have this same personality. I am bad, he is worse. He is not perfect, as I am. He's always been true. He tells me what he thinks is just right for me to know. I don't care if I'm cruel or mean. My harsh and mean words were stuck with him. Yet, he still accepts. Same with me. Whenever I'm wrong, he tells me frankly. I admit that I've grown a lot. In my ways, my acts,my opinions,the way I think. Maybe, thanks to him. That he caused me much pain, misery. Damn it all. And now, am waiting for a man, a real man who could show me that not all men, at least be a MAN!

Life's Risk

"Life is about taking risks. Making mistakes is as much as a part of life as succeeding is. In making a decision, you might be wrong or you might be right. But you'll never know if you won't decide. If you fall, stand up and learn. There are so many things in this world we need to learn and some are learned best the hard way. "


-Anonymous

Fake it or Make it

             I don't want to make another mistake. I'm afraid that one day, everything will change. And I don't wanna turn out to be a fool. I don't want another pain, who wants ending up crying anyway. But am really confused. What's happening? Why am i making myself suffer from this. Am I really a fool? I'm always carried out with my emotions. Always undecided. And doesn't even care to what other people say about me. But am tired of it myself. I don't want to be the issue of the year, the cover for their magazine and be the trending topic worldwide. I just wanted to have a low-profile. And I hate being talked about.

               But then. One day, I thought, "how can i be myself, when I'm faking it?"

How can i be totally happy, if I'd let those rumors and gossip girls affect me? Am I right or I am Right?

I don't have to please anyone. Love me or hate me. It's me. No other girl would ever be. Just me! (wink!)

Hate How Much I Like You

RIGHT! Gaya ng sabe. Hindi matanggap na gusto mo na nga siya.
Ayaw pa aminin. Paano kung nawala sya?
Matatanggap mo ba? Madalas yan ang problema sayo.
Saka lang makikita ang halaga, kung kailan na wala na.

• Tama ba? Naalala ko lang yung sa Retreat sa Baguio. Yung palabas eh, "Magnifico".

Horoscope for today (February 8, 2007 )

The Bottom Line

Your confusion about a new person in your life is helping you grow.

In Detail
A new person in your life is intensifying efforts to communicate with you. Give yourself time to sort through how you feel about this, because you might not know how to react at first. This person is still a bit of a mystery to you, and you might not be quite sure what to think. Is it all some sort of joke? In a very odd way, this confusion will be refreshing and exciting to you. Instead of frustrating you, this person is putting you in touch with a new part of yourself."

Comment:
Guess, some are just so relevant with me today.